


Not the Man I Should Have Been

by illrelevantIllustrator



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Child Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character-centric, Other, Physical Abuse, Slurs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 06:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8613253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illrelevantIllustrator/pseuds/illrelevantIllustrator
Summary: Erin O'Connor reflects on who he was before the War. If things had been different, he wouldn't be standing in Sancturary 210 years later. Whether or not this is a good thing is up for debate.





	1. Sins of the Father Make the Man

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter has moments of abuse and often hints at the abuse going on. Sorry about any spelling errors, I am uploading this in post and still have yet to proof read it, lmao

_“Dad? Why don’t you like talking about your father?” Shaun asked one day, having noticed Erin would lock up at the mention of his father._  
 _“He didn’t approve of who I loved. He kicked me out because of who I was with.” Erin felt that lying to him would have been worse than telling the truth._  
 _“Do you hate him?”_  
 _“No. I just wish I could have told him how much I love him before he died. He was my father and I respected him. He made me the man I am today. And Shaun?”_  
 _“Yes, dad?”_  
 _“I will never leave you because of who you love or what you do. Unless you join a raider gang. I’ll be really upset if you do.”_  
 _“Now you’re just being silly. And I didn’t plan on it dad.” Erin hugged Shaun tightly._  
 _“Good.” He was thankful every day that Shaun loved and put up with his sometimes strange behavior. It made him happy that he could be there for Shaun. And nothing was going to take that away from him again._  
—  
“I’m not having any sort of fucking man lover in my God damn house!”  
Erin sat on the floor of his room sobbing, he had tried so hard to keep everything a secret. He didn’t know who would have told his father, but he hated them so much in this moment. His sister had her back to the door to keep their father from coming in and hitting Erin. He had always taken the brunt of their fathers anger.  
“Erin, you can’t stay here. He’s going to lock you in this room until you’re old enough to fight back.”  
“I can’t just leave, Liz! Where will I go?!” Erin looked at her and she frowned. A bruise was already starting to show up where their father had hit him. “I can’t leave you alone with him.”  
“You’ve got to leave! He’ll drive you to suicide! I’m not burying my brother because of that man.”  
“I’m not leaving you Liz.” Erin couldn’t live with himself if he left her alone. “I can’t.”  
“Erin, you aren’t safe here. You-” She was interrupted by their father banging on the door.  
“Erin! You open this door right now!”  
“Liz move. Please.” Erin grabbed Liz and moved her, letting their father open the door.  
“Did you lock this door?”  
“No, sir. It was stuck.” Erin put himself between Liz and their father.  
“Are you lying to me?”  
“No sir.” His voice shook and his father took that as a yes.  
“You lying shit.” He hit Erin and Liz screamed, stepping back in horror. “You come into my house and tell me a fucking lie! After everything I have done for you?! You do this to me!”  
“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again!” “And now you are raising your voice at me? The nerve of you!”  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Erin cried, he really was. “I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”  
“But you did! And you, Elizabeth! Being in here with him!”  
“Dad please! I made her be in here with me. It’s all my fault.” Erin was begging at this point. “Don’t hurt her. She was just listening to me.”  
“I see what you’re doing. You’re protecting her. Well not anymore. I won’t have a faggot living under my roof any longer.”  
“Dad! You can’t!” Erin gasped as his father’s hand made contact with his face again.  
“Get out of my house!”  
“You can’t do this to him!” Liz yelled. “He’s your son!”  
“I’ll deal with you later. Get out Erin!” Erin stared at his father for a moment before leaving.  
His mother didn’t look at him as he walked out. He sat on a bench in the park trying to figure out where he could go. His grandparents knew for years and still accepted him, but they where in a different city.  
“Hey, Erin? Are you okay?” One of his friends, Johnny, walked over to him.  
“I mean, I just got kicked out of my house and now Liz is all alone with my dad. Mom won’t help her.” Erin kept his head down, not wanting him to see his face.  
“Why did you get kicked out?” Erin sighed and looked at his friend.  
“What do you think?” Johnny gasped quietly at the sight. “He found out. From who, I don’t know. All I know is my sister isn’t going to last a year with him.”  
“Where are you going to go?”  
“I don’t know. My grandparents? They know and they welcome me with open arms every time I’m there…”  
“But they’re not here. You’d have to take the bus. You need to leave now before your dad tells everyone not to help you.” Johnny helped Erin up and walked with him to the bus station.  
“Thank you. I…”  
“You will see me again Erin. Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Liz for you. We all will.” Johnny gave Erin a quick hug before leaving.  
To say his granmother was surprised to see Erin at her door so late in the day was an understatement. But the moment she saw his face and the tears she ushered him in with calming words and promised to let him stay.  
“What about Elizabeth?” Erin shook his head.  
“I don’t know. Dad… She’s probably in a worse state than I am. Shouldn’t have left her alone.” He started crying again.  
“Erin, my love. You cannot blame yourself for what your father has done. No one but himself can be blamed.” His grandmother hugged him tightly. “You’re safe here.”


	2. I'm Not All You Make Me Out to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is probably the one I'm the least happy with, mainly because it fucks with the pacing, but whatever. I didn't want to just throw them in a situation, but I kinda did that. :/  
> Also, I did the math for everything one time, but I have completly forgotten all of my hard work. I wanna say its like 6 or 7 years after the first chapter? Idk, don't take my word for it, lmao

_Several Years Later_  
“Erin, you don’t have to do this alone. I’ll go with you.” Mitch helped Erin pack his bag for Liz’s funeral.  
“And what, have my father kill us both?” Erin looked at him. “I’ll be fine.”   
“I’m coming with you Erin.”   
“Mitch. I want to make this as easy as possible.” He sighed, knowing Mitch was going to come with him.  
“You aren’t going alone.”  
“Fine. Pack. We leave in an hour.” Erin finished packing his bag when he heard a knock at the door.  
“What is that I hear about… Oh, leaving already?” Nora had walked in, inviting herself in. “I thought you had another day here.”  
“No, it’s a long drive there. I’m-”  
“We’re,” Mitch chimed in.  
“Planning on making a stop tonight. I should have given you a date.” Erin walked over to her.  
“You said you didn’t want anyone going with you. But he can go?” She sounded upset.  
“He insisted. It’s probably better this way. I don’t want you around my father.” Erin took her face in his hands and for a moment Mitch swore it looked like Erin loved her. “I’m sorry, Nora.”  
“It’s fine… I’ll be at my house, all alone.” She sighed deeply, very dramatic about it all. “Anyways. I got your mail. One of these looks important.”  
He took the one she was talking about and opened the letter, reading it silently before folding it back up and handing it to her.  
“Well, that’s something. Read it.” Erin frowned and Mitch walked over.  
“Is that what I think it is?” Mitch moved so he was behind Nora to read it.  
“Oh, Erin… It isn’t…” She knew the moment his handed it back to her, her father had gotten the same one 10 years prior. “You… I’ll…”  
“They can’t be serious. You’re still technically a student.” Mitch sounded distressed. “Erin. They can’t make you.”  
“Maybe the situation is worse than we thought. It’s a month out anyways. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”  
“But…” She didn’t argue with him. He always kept his promises. “Okay, Erin.”  
“We need to leave. I’ll be back in a week, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
—  
Nora had been her usual amount of dramatic when they left, crying and kissing Erin as much as she could. They drove in silence for several hours before Erin stopped for gas.  
“You want anything?” Mitch asked as he got out of the car.  
“Yeah. Just a water.”  
“You got it.”  
Erin filled up the car, trying not to think about the letter burning a hole in his pocket. What was he going to do? He’s not built for war. He can hardly handle people yelling at him. Add in gunfire and the thought of every breath being your last, he’d crumble in a week.  
“Here.” Mitch threw him a bottle of water and he caught it, fumbling it just a bit. “Shoulda played football. That was a solid catch.”  
“Not in the mood.” Erin got back in the car, slamming the door shut.  
“I’m sorry. Just…” Mitch trailed off, seeing the look on Erin’s face.  
“We’ll stop in a few more hours.” They drove off again, the silence starting to drive Mitch up a wall. It was an hour before he turned on the radio. ‘Orange Colored Sky’ was playing, one of his favorites. Erin tensed for a moment and Mitch went to turn it off when Erin spoke.  
“Don’t. It’s fine.” Erin looked at him. “I’m sorry.”  
“For what?” Mitch couldn’t look Erin in the eyes so he found something else to look at.  
“You know what I’m talking about.”  
“Oh, I do, do I? Is it the fact that you were grossly close to making out with Nora on the front yard? Or is it the… The fact that you got drafted and now you’re even more upset?”  
“We aren’t exactly dating. It was your idea for her and I as is.” Erin sighed and turned his attention back to the road. “I’m sorry it makes you upset. I…”  
“No, I’m just tired. It doesn’t bother me all that much. What does bother me is how close she’s come to walking in on us in compromising positions.”  
“Once, Mitch. And to be fair she told you that she was coming over.”  
“I couldn’t remember what time she said she was coming over.”  
“Which is how she found out.” Erin glanced at Mitch, who was still refusing to look at him.  
“The fact that she is still with you amazes me.”  
“She loves me more than I deserve. Its not like I’m a horrible boyfriend.” He shrugged. “I care about her. And if being with me makes her happy then so be it.”  
“But what about us Erin? You’ll be expected to marry her at some point and time then it will look weird when I stay at your house over night a lot.”  
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, let’s just focus on being together.”  
—  
“Oh no, they have one bed. Looks like we have to share.” Erin punched Mitch playfully in the arm as they walked into the room. “Ow. Asshole.”  
“Hush. Keep it down. People here aren’t as okay with… us as they are up North.”  
“Do they all have the same cute accent as you?”  
“Mitch.” Erin shut the door and closed the curtains. “Yes and no. But you can’t be doing this right now.”  
“Why not?” Mitch knew some of the dangers.  
“We are going to see the man that… that kicked me out of his house and drove my sister to suicide because I’m a fucking homosexual.” Erin looked at him. “She was 19 Mitch.”  
“Erin. I’m sorry. I… I…” He was at a loss for words.  
“It’s my fault. I should have fought back.” Erin frowned slightly. “It’s hard to know that you were the difference between life and death for your sibling.”  
“I was being insentitive. You can’t blame yourself.”  
“Well, I do.” He straightened his shoulders. “Anyways, I’m going to shower and sleep. I suggest you do the same.”  
'Compartmentalize. Accept the fact that you can’t change what happened. Forge on. Suffer in silence. Never slip up.’  
He chanted those words to himself every time he came close to breaking down.  
In the morning Mitch woke up to Erin laying there, awake.  
“Did you sleep at all?” He knew the answer, but still asked.  
“A bit. It got hot and I couldn’t sleep that much. Nothing big.”  
“Liar.” Erin locked up, and he held his breath. “Did I say something wrong?”  
“No. No, I’m just being…”  
“Erin. Babe.”  
“I’m fine,” he started to relax, “see?”  
Mitch wasn’t fully convinced, but Erin wasn’t going to talk. They spent the next few minutes just lying there, Mitch enjoying being so close to Erin for the first time in weeks.  
“We ought to leave here soon.”  
“I’ll drive so you can sleep. I’m sure I can find your grandparents house just fine.”  
“I won’t argue. I’m too tired too.” Erin kissed him before getting up. “Don’t take too long getting ready.”  
“You know I will.”


End file.
